By Abby Terris, MA, LPC


The ease and relaxation of summer that your pre-teen, or as some say “tween”, has been enjoying is now replaced with the pressure of school routines. Yes, school is back in session. And with it comes the growing awareness of bodily changes and sensitivity to fitting in with peers.

Even though Johnny may still behave like his familiar, competent self, he may be feeling much less sure of himself. At the beginning of summer break, he hung out with his friends, now he’s talking about his “homey”. He’s now worried about measuring up to the images he sees on TV. What you see is your child being increasingly rude and uncooperative.

Now what about Susie?  She was always a happy-go-lucky baby and an easy-going kid, who was always very chatty and happy and eager to help you make dinner. Now she disappears into her room as soon as she gets home from school. Last year, she was a kind and fun older sister; this year she’s critical and impatient with her younger siblings. She even has tantrums about her clothes not being right.

What’s happening? Your child has become a “tween.” At this age, between 9 and 12 years old, your child is beginning to experience social pressures much earlier than you did, making it hard for you to sympathize with what they face at school every day.

The media portrays kids acting much older than your kids probably feel, looking smart and self-confident. Underneath, most “tweens” are actually feeling a loss of self-confidence and a new physical awkwardness due to their developing bodies. They worry about whether they can measure up to the norms that are set for sports, school and even dating. They, and you, may be worrying about whether they fit in, have the right friends, and can deal with the easy availability of and peer pressure to use tobacco, alcohol and drugs.

How can you as their parent encourage positive learning and social behavior? Parent and provide companionship for your child using these guiding principles:

• Practice being a good listener. This encourages them to think independently and express themselves, which is important for a healthy sense of self and ability to resist peer pressure.
• Cultivate a friendly attitude towards them, their interests and their need to fit in. 
• Know your “tween’s” friends. This may involve being the chauffeur, the cook, the provider of snacks for yet another sleep-over!
• Don’t criticize your child’s friends. But if you need to, share your concerns about behavior and choices, clearly and respectfully. 
• Don’t take their need for privacy personally.
• Be proactive in talking about peer pressure issues – sex, drugs, and risky behaviors. Don’t just react after the fact. A sympathetic parent can provide a counterweight against negative peer influence.
• Be available if they find themselves in trouble, even if they didn’t make a good choice – emphasize learning, not blame.

During all of this don’t forget about yourself. As your child is going through changes, so are you. Take good care of yourself and get the help and support you need to be the best parent for your child.
 

Abby Terris, MA, LPC, is a counselor/educator at Corvallis Heartspring Wellness Center.